I Think My Child is Being Bullied

Possible signs of bullying
Talking with your children about being bullied
Things parents can do if they think their child is being bullied at school
Helpful parent responses
What can I tell my child to do if he or she is bullied?
At school, what are children learning to do if they are bullied?
How can parents talk to their children about dealing with arguments?
Helping your children establish a support group
How can I help my child be assertive?

Possible signs of bullying

All parents hope that their child will tell them as soon as there is a problem. But unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. It may be because the child feels confused, they feel it is their own fault, or they are worried about how their parents will react.

The following list shows common signs of bullying:

(Please note that many children may show these behaviours at times, but it may be a sign of bullying if you see these things happening often)

Decreased interest in school;
Reluctance to go to school, absenteeism from school;
Poorer school performance;
Frequent complaints of headaches or stomach aches;
Wanting to be taken to and from school or to go a new route;
Frequent damage or loss of items such as clothing, property or school work;
Frequent injuries such as bruises or cuts;
Withdrawal and a reluctance to say why;
Difficulty sleeping, wetting the bed or having nightmares;
Coming home hungry;
Asking for extra lunch or pocket money and/or money missing from the house;
Appearing generally unhappy, miserable, moody and/or irritable;
Reluctance to eat or play properly;
Threats or attempts to harm self;
Having no friends to share free time with; and
Rarely invited to parties or other social activities with peers.

Talking with your children about being bullied

Talking with your child about being bullied can often be very difficult and it helps to be aware of your child’s needs and feelings.

A child needs to:

Feel heard and believed perceptions;
Talk openly about what is going on;
Develop trust that the adult he or she tells will help;
Feel that there is some hope things will get better;
Feel some control over the situation;
Learn self-protective and assertive behaviours, and
Build or maintain confidence and self-esteem.

Things parents can do if they think their child is being bullied at school

Try to talk to your child about what is going on.

Talk to your child’s teacher and discuss the situation and some strategies.

Encourage your child to ask for help if they feel they are being bullied, eg. discuss who they could talk to at school.

Helpful parent responses

If your child tells you about being bullied:

Believe your child because it is important that your child feels confident to talk to you about problems. Please remember that this is your child’s perception of the situation and it’s important to find out all sides of the story before making any judgements about others who are involved.
Take the child’s concerns seriously without being over protective.
Listen to your child. Show you understood that they are upset by the bullying.
Encourage your child to talk about the situation.
Tell your child that bullying is wrong and remind them that they have the right to feel safe and happy.
Keep in mind that there may be other factors involved in the situation that you may not be aware of, such as other people that have been involved or other things that have happened in the past.
Be aware of your own responses and react in a calm, helpful and supportive manner.
Make sure your child knows how to get help and support at school.
Help your child enhance their friendship skills (having more than one good friend has been shown to reduce the likelihood or impact of bullying).
Encourage your child to participate in activities other than those related to the school so they have other friendship groups.
Help your child reflect on what has been done to resolve the situation so far.
Help your child work out a plan of what they could do to help make the situation better.

What can I tell my child to do if he or she is bullied?

Like most complex problems there is not a single strategy that will stop all bullying. As a first step, it is usually best to encourage your child to talk about what has happened.

The model below can be used to help your child think through a difficult situation and decide what to do.

At school, what are children learning to do if they are bullied?

The Friendly Schools & Families Program has an ‘Action Plan’ for children to refer to if they are bullied.

How can parents talk to their children about dealing with arguments?

We all have arguments and disagreements every now and then. Children who learn skills to deal with these situations improve their chances of being able to work and play cooperatively and liked by other children.

Explain that arguments happen to everyone at some time, and that having an argument doesn’t necessarily mean the end of friendships or that you don’t like the people you have argued with. Point out that in arguments both people think they are right.

You can give them these tips to help them deal with arguments:

Try to stay calm and talk through the problem using a normal voice.
If either person is getting too angry or upset, say, “We are getting too angry/upset. Let’s talk about this later.” Then walk away.
Make sure you do talk about it later, when you have both calmed down.
Point out your view and talk about your feelings (e.g. “I felt bad when you told the rest of the team I was useless at baseball”).
Let the other person explain their point of view. Listen without interrupting.
Apologise if necessary and try to find a way to be friends.

Helping your children establish a support group

Many children do not seek out support, but struggle to deal with bullying situations by themselves. If they do ask for help, younger children usually go to parents and teachers for help. Older children are more likely to turn to their friends for support.

Help your children develop a group of people they feel comfortable talking with and turning to for help. At school, children are encouraged to identify and talk with people in their support group. This generally includes the following people:

Parents;
Classroom teacher;
Teacher on duty at recess or lunchtimes;
Other school staff members;
School friends;
Family friends; and
Other people they can trust.

Give your children practice identifying what they could say if they approached these people about a bullying problem

How can I help my child be assertive?

Assertiveness training has been shown to increase self-esteem and confidence in a person being bullied. A person who has good self-esteem and confidence is less likely to be bullied.

What is assertiveness?

Being assertive is about saying what you think, feel and want in a confident way.

It means saying what you want without shouting, glaring, being angry or putting others down. It also means saying what you want without backing down, putting yourself down or letting others make you feel bad.

Assertive children:

Can express their feelings calmly and are able to work out when it is the right time to do this;
Can accept feedback from another child;
Are able to protect themselves, without being hurtful to other children;
Are able to ask for help when they have difficulty dealing with a situation themselves;
Act with self-respect and confidence; and
Realise that they have to take risks and stand up for themselves.

Explain to your child that speaking assertively or behaving in a ‘Cool’ way is deciding what you want to do and saying clearly what you want to happen.

The COOL way is ‘just right’ (‘not too hard’ and ‘not too soft’).

Speak in a firm but friendly way;
Stand tall, make eye contact;
Stand up for yourself politely;
Smile or look calm;
Feel happy, confident and in control; and
Feel okay about yourself.