Bystanders to Bullying

What is a bystander?
Talking with your children about bystanders
If children see someone being bullied they could:
How can parents help children who see bullying?
If it is your child’s friend who is doing the bullying
How can parents help their children to understand peer influence?
Possible responses to peer pressure to be involved in bullying situations

Bullying involves more than the students who are bullied and those who bully. Other children are present during most bullying incidents in the playground. Bullying can continue because people who are involved do not talk about it and seek help. This includes bystanders.

What is a bystander?

A bystander is someone who sees the bullying situation.

Bystanders may act in many different ways. A bystander might:

Watch what is going on and not get involved.
Pretend not to see and ignore the situation.
Choose to get involved in the bullying.
Choose to get involved and stop the bullying
Choose to get help.

As bystanders, the way children behave can either support or help to stop bullying. Many children don’t know how to help the person being bullied.

Talking with your children about bystanders

Bullying can sometimes be made worse if children don’t know what to do or to whom to turn for help. Parents can help by offering to talk about the problem and providing support. Everyone needs to take responsibility and respond to bullying behaviour by not remaining silent. Instead they should talk about the issue.

When some children were asked what stops them from helping other children who are bullied, the most common answers were, “It’s none of my business” and “I didn’t want to get involved”.

Yet, when asked if they wanted to stop the bullying, most children said, “Yes, I don’t like to see people being bullied”. These children don’t like the bullying but are not sure if they should help in some way or what to do to help the person being bullied.

If children see someone being bullied they could:

Let the person doing the bullying know that what they are doing is bullying;
Refuse to join in with their bullying and walk away;
Support the student who is being bullied;
Ask a teacher or support person for help; and
Support their friends and protect them from bullying by being there for them. Children who are alone are more likely to be the target of bullying so encourage your children to be aware of other children who are left out or on their own in the schoolyard.

How can parents help children who see bullying?

Parents can support their children by:

Discussing bullying (stories in books or on television can lead to discussion about bullying situations);
Listening to their children’s point of view on the topic of bullying;
Helping their children to discuss solutions and consequences to problems they see or are involved in (decision-making);
Problem-solving as a whole family. This can help children feel valued and supported as well as make other family members aware of problems and possible solutions;
Providing advice on what might happen as a result of bullying and why it is important to tell someone;
Developing a clear family policy that ‘put downs’ are not okay; and
Helping their children to understand the problem of bullying and show empathy and understanding of how people might feel if they are bullied.

If it is your child’s friend who is doing the bullying

Sometimes children find themselves in a position of being a bystander to their friend or friends bullying others. They will be torn between what they believe is the right thing to do and supporting their friends.

How can parents help their children to understand peer influence?

Being part of a group offers security and a feeling of belonging. Children learn about social skills and relationships by being part of a group. Sometimes children can feel influenced by the group to do things or behave in ways that they do not agree or feel comfortable with.

Explain to your children:

It is good to have friends and be part of a group;
Peers can sometimes try to persuade others to follow a decision that he or she may not agree with; and
You can say “no” to your friends and still be friends (see possible responses on next page).

Training in assertive responses can also help children resist pressure and respond in ways that do not promote bullying.

If another child wants your child to do something he or she doesn’t want to do, the other child may use some powerful persuaders:

Threatening to ‘not be friends anymore’;
Calling your child names, e.g. chicken, wimp etc;
Physical threats; and/or
Rejection from the group.

Possible responses to peer pressure to be involved in bullying situations

You can role-play some pressure situations with your child to practise possible responses. For example, the parent role-plays another child trying to get your child to do something they don’t want to do.

Parent: “Let’s tease Child’s name about his new hair-cut.”

Ask your child to think of a possible response to let the person know they don’t want to do this. If they can’t think of something to say, help them to find a possible response from the list below.

Have your children practise some of these possible responses to a bullying situation. After a bit of practice, your children will find it easier to think of their own responses and will look and sound more confident when they speak.

General I don’t want to do it. I don’t believe in bullying. I don’t see the point in hurting other people. Bullying is wrong. The more friends we have the better. I am not going to help you bully someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you?
Leaving someone out Why not just let them join in? I don’t see the need to make someone feel bad. I don’t want to be mean to someone, that’s not fair. Why can’t we all be friends?
Teasing I don’t think it is fair to tease someone about that. I don’t like to call people mean names. I would feel terrible if someone did that to me, so I am not going to do it. Teasing people is not fun.
Threatening I don’t want to be involved in this. Threatening people is wrong.
Gossip/Rumours How do you know this story is true? That is probably gossip. I don’t want to be involved in spreading gossip.
Physical I don’t want to be involved in fighting. I’ve got something else on at that time. I don’t see the point in hurting someone.

During this activity children quickly realise that a person who pressures you to do something you don’t want to do is not behaving the way a friend should. Friends accept their friend’s decisions and don’t try to pressure them to do something they feel uncomfortable about.