Brothers and Sisters
- Different children—different temperaments
- Bullying in families
- Brothers/sisters and relationships
- How to cope with fights or bullying
- How do I guide my children through the situation?
- Holiday hints
When you watch little animals, they love to tumble, roll, fight and pounce. It is nature’s way of toning up their bodies, heightening their awareness and quickening their reflexes in preparation for life in the wild. A little lion that fights with his brother or sister is more likely to survive in the wild.
This is not unlike the way brothers and sisters fight, tease and squabble at times. Not that we should be encouraging negative behaviours like teasing and fighting, but the lessons children learn in the process of getting along and sorting out differences with siblings can provide valuable experiences for later life.
Different children—different temperaments
Every child is born unique and special, with their own temperament. Although children tend to have a little of each temperament, generally one is dominant. When parents are aware of the four general temperaments of children, it can make it easier to raise a child whose temperament is different to that of their other children.
There are basically four different temperaments:
- Sensitive children are more vulnerable, dramatic and tend to show their feelings. They respond most to listening and understanding.
- Active children have strong wills and like to be the centre of attention and take risks. They respond well to structure, planning and clear direction.
- Responsive children are social and outgoing. They respond well to lots of stimulation and experiences.
- Receptive children are cooperative, well mannered and concerned with the flow of life. They respond well to a lot of routine and structure in their lives and are unsettled by too much change.
The sensitive child
These children don’t need too much stimulation; they need a safe and secure environment in supervised activities. They sometimes need help to start new friendships and like to be around people with similar abilities and sensitivities. These children respond well to having a pet to nurture and care for.
The active child
These children need lots of supervision, rules, leadership and action. Team sports and supervised games are great for these children so they learn to cooperate and follow directions. These children are best not left alone or unsupervised as they get themselves into trouble and can get bossy amongst a group and lead others into trouble as well.
The responsive child
These children need a greater variety of activities and stimulation than others. They tend to thrive in response to new input and need time to explore and to experience and discover life. They can be resistant when they feel controlled and have a great need for freedom to make choices. This resistance can often be redirected into another experience, as they explore their options and make decisions for themselves. Invite them to participate in your activities by making chores fun and allowing them some responsibility.
The receptive child
These children thrive on routine and don’t respond well to change. They like to have a set time to eat, time for bed, time to play etc. They have a good nature and are thoughtful children who need to be reassured that everything is under control in their lives. They like to be told what to do because they often can’t make decisions or choices quickly, but they don’t like to be pushed into things or rushed.
Receptive children tend to participate first by observing and are perfectly content to watch other children without feeling they are left out. These children need to be gently motivated to do things and be challenged with a task that requires them to carefully step out of the routine and do something new. They may resist doing new things, but remember not to push; just by watching they are participating at a level comfortable to them. These children also like to keep at things to the last detail because repetition gives them security. They need lots of reassurance and support to step out of their comfort zone and try new things.
Adapted John Gray Ph.D. from: Children are from Heaven, (1999)
Bullying in families
Sometimes children bully their brother or sister. This occurs when one child has power over the other and they use this in a negative way. Often children don’t think of this as bullying because it is their brother or sister, but it can be just as hurtful and distressing.
Brothers/sisters and relationships
Children learn many important lessons as they learn to handle each other. They will squabble, compete and struggle during this process, but this is not wrong, it is a learning process. Parents can use these situations to teach their children how to move through the issues and resolve problems.
Siblings will not automatically have identical personalities and interests. Parents who, for convenience, encourage their children to do the same activities may find they don’t suit each child.
The age gap between children also makes a difference. Children of similar age generally play more and compete more with each other. When the ages are close together children often can’t get on together, but they can’t bear being apart.How to cope with fights or bullying
- Stop the situation and find out what is going on;
- Ask the children to listen to each other;
- Guide each child to think through the situation to find solutions;
- Support your children to work together to make decisions and to come to an agreement; and
- Acknowledge and reflect on any positive actions which follow this agreement.
How do I guide my children through the situation?
During the sorting out process it is very helpful to ask the children to talk directly to each other. When a child says something to you, ask them to say it directly to their brother/sister, e.g. “I feel like you are always bossing me and I never get to do what I want to do”. Ask the other sibling to listen without interrupting. Then ask him or her to respond. It is important for each sibling to listen, talk and be heard. It makes a difference that they are communicating directly with one another.
Apologies
Teaching children to apologise for insensitive behaviour, broken agreements or causing negative consequences is very important. The act of apologising helps children to take responsibility for their actions.
Agreements
Once your children have talked about their issues and apologised, if necessary, it is time to make agreements about the future. Try to get them to focus on what they want rather than what has happened in the past so they can move to a positive new arrangement.
The conversation may go like this:
First child: “When we play together we could take turns to choose what we are going to do and I will try to choose things we both like doing”.
Second child: “Okay. I will try not to be bossy and will let you have a go at being in charge too.”
Take the time
This process will take a bit of time to start with while the children develop the skills of discussion and negotiation. However, the long term benefits will be worth the time it takes now. By developing these skills now you will find that you will spend less time sorting out problems later as they learn to establish their own strategies for agreement. This process will also teach them negotiation skills and sensitivity towards others that will help them when they experience difficulty with other people in all aspects of their lives.
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Holiday hints
School holidays can be very stressful for parents, but with a little planning and thought, they can be the most special times for families to enjoy being together.
- Plan ahead. Organise holiday schedules, activities and equipment before the holidays and have the children involved in planning what they’d like to do. Give children things to look forward to and earn during their holiday.
- Keep bored bodies busy. Children who are used to being ‘entertained’ need a little time and guidance to switch over to self-initiated play. Provide a selection of materials, games, toys and choices for children and encourage them to explore the possibilities to entertain themselves.
- Rotate the activities, rather than have them all on at once. On old game/video/book that has been put away for a while works and doesn’t cost anything.
- Play with your children. This gives you the opportunity to demonstrate cooperative behaviour, creative thinking and positive attitudes in a fun situation.
- Keep routines during the holiday time. Bed times, meal times etc should to be kept regular unless there is a special occasion.
- Organise holiday chores and goals for your children so they have regular tasks to perform each day.
- Set standards of behaviour between children and enforce them.
- Expect real sensitivity and respect between them and expect real apologies and agreements for change where needed.
- Give lots of encouragement and positive feedback for good cooperation.
