Parenting Adolescents
Changing into adolescents
'As I drove into the shopping centre car park I saw one of the boys from my daughter’s new Year 8 class. I gave him a cheery big wave out the window and turned to my daughter enthusiastically. My daughter was crouched on the floor, crammed beneath the dash. It was then that I realised I had became an embarrassment.'
Barry – Parent of Jessica'I knew it had begun when my son said ‘Just drop me off round the corner from school, I don’t want anyone to see you dropping me off’ I was so tempted to drive to the front of the school and give him a big kiss in front of everyone, ‘but I bit my tongue, said nothing and dropped him around the corner.' Suzanne – Parent of Gavin
'Parenting an adolescent is not always an ego-building process.' |
Many parents say they worry when their children become teenagers and go into high school they won’t want to spend as much time with the family as they did when they were younger. When guiding a developing child through the transition from primary to secondary school, helping them work out social relationships and to identifying boundaries and values can be quite an adventure.
It is normal for teenagers to begin to want to spend more time with their friends during the adolescent years, but it shouldn’t mean that they ignore their families. Parents and teenagers need to take action to stay connected or to reconnect during these changing times.
Although teenagers will want to make their own choices, a good home life can increase the odds that your teenagers will avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence. Particularly a kind, warm and solid relationship with parents who demonstrate respect for their teenagers an interest in their teenager’s activities and set firm boundaries for those activities.
The major task of adolescence is to become 'your own person'. Teenagers learn to make choices and commitments, follow through with them as well as standing up independently in the world. But teenagers swing back and forth between dependence and independence as they work on these tasks. It's easy for parents to get frustrated. False starts, mistakes, poor judgment or impulsive action are part of growing up.“I feel like one day I am talking to a 12 year old, the next day an 18 year old and sometimes I am sure it is a 4 year old. It makes my head spin.”
Sherin - Parent of Jermain
Adolescence can be defined simply as being 'a transition from childhood to adulthood'.
Changing bodies
Puberty
Children go through many changes during the period of rapid development and growth known as adolescence. The age at which biological changes due to puberty begin varies between 9-14 for boys and 8-13 for girls. Pubertal changes can occur at different times and at different rates for students in the same year level at school. Therefore, as students make the transition from primary to secondary school, they confront both external changes and internal developmental changes.
Individual differences in maturation rates, temperaments and adult social influences mean that age does not give a firm indication of where a particular child is along this developmental path. At puberty the body grows at a faster rate than at any time since infancy. This growth spurt is often accompanied by increased irritability and conflict as testosterone affects both boys and girls.
'Warning – wide mood swings can occur without warning'
Hormones, the struggle for independence, peer pressure and an emerging identity wreak havoc in the mind of the teenager. The issues of how much freedom to give them, how much "attitude" to take from them, what kind of discipline is effective and how to communicate with your teenager, are the major issues for parents.
Body image and teasing
Bullying and teasing about appearance and sexuality can become a problem at this age if teenagers are not made aware of their attitudes, behaviours and how they can affect others.
It seems that it is also the early-developing girls and the late-developing boys who may be most at risk of bullying during this developmental stage. Boys who are still developing are generally smaller is stature and appear more vulnerable to ridicule and bullying. Early developing girls are very prone to teasing and unwanted comments about their appearance. Issues about body image and appearance are very sensitive topics particularly to girls at this stage in their development.
Parents need to be aware what might have been meant as a light hearted comment about a teenager’s body shape or size can be very hurtful and create much anxiety. Comments like “She is carrying a bit of puppy fat” or “He is so small compared to his class mates” can be cause for great concern for your child. This is time of increased sensitivity about body growth and shape.
Connections
Moving apart but staying together
One of the greatest difficulties adolescents face is in trying to establish their independence and begin to take more control over their lives while keeping a loving relationship with their parents. However this doesn’t mean parents are any less important to their teenagers’ emotional wellbeing. Independent teenagers still need to be connected to their parents and family in order to feel positive about themselves and where they fit in. Family connectedness gives teenagers a strong sense of belonging and emotional stability.
The parents' task is to help teenagers through this stage by supporting them to make their own decisions as well as their own mistakes - to let them slowly take greater responsibility for their lives. The parents' responsibility is to be more in touch with their teenager, to listen as their teenager and support their attempts to fit in and feel comfortable with themselves as they head towards the adult world.
While it is true that one of the main developmental tasks of adolescence is to separate from parents and that friends takes on greater and greater importance during adolescent years, there is still no substitute for the parent-adolescent relationship.
Family/parentconnection
If the parent-child connection is consistent, positive and characterised by warmth, kindness, love, and stability teenagers are more likely to flourish socially. Teenagers who describe their relationship with their parents as warm, kind and consistent are more likely to be involved in positive social contact with other teenagers as well as with other adults. They are also more likely to respond to others positively and with greater empathy and understanding. Teenagers with these kinds of positive relationships with their parents, on the whole, struggle less with depression, have higher self-esteem and are less likely to be bullied or bully others.
Be involved in your teenager’s activities
Being close to your teenagers means knowing how they feel about things, such as who their friends are, what activities and sports they like doing, what they are doing at school and how they feel about school. It is about making them feel you enjoy being involved in, and knowing about their life.
Taking a deep interest in your teenager will build a relationship that will consist of good open communication, mutual trust and respect.
PARENT POINTS - Connections To help you know more about your teenagers’ lives: School
SportsActivities outside of school help teenagers make friends from different groups. Multiple friendship groups are very important for their social development. Take the time to show an interest in these activities:
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Friends
Taking an interest in your teenager’s friends will give you an idea about the way they get along with their peers and what their interests are.
Spend time with your teenager
Enjoying leisure activities such as sports, crafts, music or other social activities together is seen as one of the best ways for parents to enhance their connection with their teenage children. Families not only spend time together, but these activities also allow for adult role modelling of appropriate social behaviours and attitudes and the chance to practice these with one another.
Monitoring
Monitoring your adolescent
Teenagers whose parents know who their friends are and what they do in their free time are less likely to get into trouble than their peers. Perhaps the most difficult thing about the monitoring process is that it is a delicate balance between too much and too little control and it requires the energy to set firm limits.
Monitoring requires constant awareness on the part of parents to make sure they know where their teenagers are and what they are doing. It also requires that parents enforce consequences when family rules are broken. Although discipline is genuinely unpleasant for all involved, monitoring your teenager’s activities and providing boundaries and praise on a daily basis can head off more serious problems later.
PARENT POINTS - Monitoring
PARENT POINTS - Guiding Teenagers Parents need to realise that they know their own teenagers better than anyone so they have a sense of what their teenagers can handle and the meaning of their children's behaviour. These guidelines will assist parents in guiding and understanding their adolescent children:
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Problem solving
When your child comes to you with a problem to be solved or a decision to be made encourage them to use the following steps:
Problem solving steps |
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| Step | Strategy | Ask yourself | Parents: Ask questions like… |
Step 1 |
Detect |
What problem needs to be solved? |
Tell me what has happened? |
Step 2 |
Investigate |
What are the options? |
What other things could you do? |
Step 3 |
Decide |
What is the best option? |
What do you think is the best solution for you? |
Step 4 |
Review |
Did it work? |
How did you go? |
Discipline leads to self-discipline
Discipline is all about setting rules and consequences for actions if those rules are broken. Disciplining teenagers can be difficult, but it is very important if teenagers are to learn their behaviours have consequences.
“I have been a successful lawyer for nearly 20 years, but I have never come across a case as difficult as trying to get my adolescent son to make his bed. He has no case, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It’s like negotiated with a brick wall”
Parent
Parents who, together with their teenagers, set firm boundaries and expectations may find that their teenagers’ abilities to live up to those expectations grow. When parents include their teenagers in the establishment of clear rules about appropriate behaviour the arguments over rules and punishment often decrease.
Independence and responsibility
Development of independence
Parents need to encourage and support the development of independence in their teenagers. As they search for an identity separate to their family, it is important to be tolerant and accepting of their efforts. At the same time parents should be clear about what behaviour is acceptable and the consequences for pushing the limits too far. Even if teenagers are difficult to get along with they still need, and want, support from their parents.
If your child says 'stay out of my life' in the middle of a conflict, it could be that the message really is 'This is really hard and I am trying to sort it out myself.'
Parents should remember the primary task of adolescence prevents teenagers from admitting having parents set firm boundaries is actually reassuring. Teenagers still need limits and they also need their parents to maintain those limits.
Managing conflict
Conflict is a normal part of life for teenagers and their parents as they go through the many changes in their lives. All families will experience some conflict and sometimes things can get fairly heated, but there are ways of dealing with conflict that allow teenagers and parents to stay connected.
When you’re trying to solve conflict:
As the adult, it is your role to maintain control of your emotions and of the situation. This is a perfect opportunity to role model appropriate and effective communication such as:
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If you find yourself getting too angry or upset, explain to your teenager that you need to think and go into another room or go for a walk. Wait until you are back in control of yourself before you try to resolve the conflict.
Try to remember adolescence is a time of great confusion for teenagers and sometimes they can get very emotional about things in their lives. They may say and do things they don’t really mean, but are struggling on the inside to make sense of what is happening. They need you to be the adult in these situations.
Even when there has been conflict between you and your teenager maintain open communication and move on. Remember while you are communicating there is always a chance of resolution. There is no chance if you are not.
Parent exercise with adolescents
Here is an exercise designed to help parents better understand their adolescent. Parents should read each question carefully and answer as best they can. For each question, respond "Regularly," "Sometimes," or "Not Very Often."
Question |
Regularly |
Sometimes |
Not very often |
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Complete these statements:
- What worries me about my child’s behaviour is:
____________________________________________________________
- How can we work better as a team:
____________________________________________________________
- I can help my child most by:
____________________________________________________________
Adolescent exercise with parents
Here is a communication exercise designed to help adolescents better understand their parents. The adolescent should read each question carefully and answer as best he can. For each question, respond "Regularly," "Sometimes" or "Not Very Often."
Question |
Regularly |
Sometimes |
Not very often |
| 1. Do your parents wait until you are finished talking before "having their say?" | |||
| 2. Do your parents tend to lecture to you too much? | |||
| 3. Do your parents really listen to your needs, frustrations, joys or problems? | |||
| 4. Do you discuss personal matters, such as friendships, with either of your parents? | |||
| 5. Do your parents seem to trust and respect you and your opinion? | |||
| 6. Do your parents explain their reason for not letting you do something? | |||
| 7. Do you help your parents to understand you by telling them how you think and feel? | |||
| 8. Does your family talk things over with each other regularly through regular family meetings? | |||
| 9. Do your parents support you in your interests and encourage you in your activities? |
Complete these statements:
- What worries me most about my future is:
____________________________________________________________
- The most difficult subject to discuss with my parents is:
______________________________________________________
- How can my parents and I work better as a team?
____________________________________________________________
- My parents can help me most by:
_________________________________________________________
Now that both of you have finished these exercises, the next step is to discuss them with each other as soon as the three of you are able to sit down together without any interruptions. It is okay to ask each other to explain answers in more detail and to clarify an answer, but it is not okay to argue with them or make them defend their answers. The more parents and adolescents talk, the more they learn.
