I Know Bullying is Going on

I am not being bullied
What is a bystander?
Social responsibility
How can I support someone who is being bullied?
Sticky situations
What if my friend is bullying?
What if my friend wants me to help bully someone?
Important things to remember when saying ‘no’

I am not being bullied

Maybe you're not being bullied, but you know someone who is - perhaps that person is not even a good friend but someone else in your school.

Have you ever stood around and noticed that someone was being bullied, but you weren't sure what you could do?

Have you thought that nothing you could do would make a difference?

Most students in a classroom or school do not bully others and are not bullied themselves. These students (bystanders) usually do see or know about bullying that goes on.

In the Friendly Schools research 91% of children reported having witnessed bullying occurring. Peers have also been observed to be present during most bullying incidents in the schoolyard. Furthermore, research suggests that more than half of students who report being bullied once a week or more do not tell their teachers.

Did you know?

When surveyed in 2006 students told us:

67% feel angry when they see bullying

74% feel uncomfortable watching bullying

82% like it when someone stands up for themselves when they are bullied

92% like it when someone stands up for someone who is being bullied

It is always OKAY to ASK FOR HELP for someone who is being bullied

What is a bystander?

Bullying involves more than the students who are bullied and those who bully. Other students have been observed to be present during most bullying incidents in the school grounds. Bullying can continue because people who are involved do not talk about it and seek help. This includes bystanders.

A bystander is someone who sees the bullying situation.

Bystanders may act in many different ways. A bystander might:

Watch what is going on and not get involved.
Pretend not to see and ignore the situation.
Choose to get involved in the bullying.
Choose to get involved and stop the bullying
Choose to get help.

As bystanders, students can either support bullying in the way they behave or help to stop bullying. Many students don’t know how to help or get help.

Social responsibility

Everyone needs to be responsible for their own actions when they are a bystander to a bullying incident. You also need to know that you will face negative consequences if you decide to join in with or support a person bullying. This could be by laughing at the bullying incident, cheering on or encouraging the person bullying, teasing the person being bullied or taking part in the bullying situation in any other way.

As bystanders to bullying, students have to make a decision as to whether they will be part of the problem or part of the solution.

Don’t stand and watch bullying.

If you see bullying do something, or walk away ... don’t support it.

Sam said:

'Putting someone down, paying them out or ganging up on someone are not ways to make you popular with other kids. No one is likely to want to be a true friend to someone who likes hurting others, so kids who bully often end up out of the group. Everyone has the right to feel safe and happy at school.'

Bystanders have the power to help stop bullying

Bullying can sometimes be made worse if students don’t do anything. Everyone needs to take responsibility and respond to bullying behaviour by not remaining silent. Instead they should talk about the issue.

When some students were asked what stops them from helping other students who are bullied, the most common answers were, 'It’s none of my business' and 'I didn’t want to get involved'.

However, when asked if they wanted to stop the bullying, most students said, 'Yes, I don’t like to see people being bullied'. These students don’t like the bullying but are not sure if they should help or what to do to help the person being bullied.

Did you know?

Most kids report that they don’t like seeing bullying happening and would like to do something to stop it but very few students actually do something.

If you are watching bullying happen you are a bystander. In fact you are exactly the audience the person bullying wants and needs to feel powerful.

Bystanders (other kids seeing what is happening) are present most of the time when bullying occurs either in the school yard or in the classroom.

Research shows that when bystanders do step in the bullying can be stopped within ten seconds.

If you see someone being bullied:

Let the person doing the bullying know what they are doing is bullying

Refuse to join in with their bullying and walk away

Support the student who is being bullied

Ask a teacher or support person for help

Support your friends and protect them from bullying by being there for them. Students who are alone are more likely to be the target of bullying so encourage your friends to be aware of other students who are left out or on their own in the schoolyard.

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How can I support someone who is being bullied?

Many students say are worried that if they try to step in to help someone who is being bullied that they might end up being bullied or hurt themselves. It is important to look about the situation first to decide what the risks are and what decision you should make. Always consider your safety and the safety of others before you act.

Discuss the types of decisions a person might need to consider when he or she sees a bullying situation happening. What sorts of things would the person need to think about? For example:

What action to take?
Is it safe?
Is it fair to all involved?
How does it make you feel?
How does it make others feel?
Does it solve the problem without creating more problems?
Do I need to talk to someone in my support group?

The THINK, PLAN, TALK, DO Chart can help you with this:

Being bullied can make a person feel very lonely and miserable. Just by being there for that person tells them you care about how they feel and this can make a huge difference. Also remember students who are alone are more likely to be picked out for bullying, so including the student in your activities or your group for lunch can protect them from bullying.

Sticky situations

There are many different situations that may make a bystander feel pressured. Although we know what we should do if we see bullying, sometimes the decisions can be harder especially when friends or family are involved.

What if my friend is bullying?

As we have mentioned before people who bully are generally not happy, healthy people. So by letting your friend continue to be involved in bullying without trying to do something to stop it you are not really helping your friend.

We know that many students who bully do it because they are trying to be popular and have power over others. Students who have good close friendships usually don’t need to bully other people to feel better.

To help your friend to stop bullying you need to provide positive support by being honest and helping them to find better ways to feel good about themselves.

A good suggestion from students from Friendly Schools:

tell the student what they are doing is bullying
let them know they don’t need to do this to the person
suggest you go and do something else together.

Example

'You are bullying (that person). You don’t need to do that. Why don’t you just leave him/her alone and come and hang out with me/us somewhere else?'

What if my friend wants me to help bully someone?

It can be really difficult if you friends try to pressure you onto helping them to bully someone. One of the main reasons students give in to this pressure is because they are afraid they will lose their friendships and not fit into the group.

Students who bully need to have support and will often try to get their friends involved in the bullying too. Sometimes they even try to get their friends to do the bullying for them so they don’t get into trouble themselves.

If your friend or group is telling or asking you to do something you know is wrong, or to do something you feel uncomfortable about, then you need to think carefully about your choices and decide whether this is really worth it. A good rule isif it makes you feel bad it is probably bad for you.

How do I say 'no' to my friends and still be friends?

You never know when this might happen so it always good to be prepared for the pressure and have some responses ready.

The most common response recommended by students in our program was to say:

'I still want to be friends, I just don’t want to do that'

Another good suggestion was to go and do something else. This idea is to make them think about something else and forget about bullying.

'Let’s go and play basketball instead'

Other suggestions by students:

I don’t want to be involved.
I don’t believe in bullying.
I don’t see the point in hurting other people.
The more friends we have the better.
I am not going to help you bully someone.
How would you feel if someone did that to you?

More examples

Your friend asks you to stop talking to one of the other students in your group.

Why not just let her join in.

Your friend wants you to back them up when threatening to hit another student.

I don’t want to be involved in fighting

Your friend wants you to pass on a nasty rumour about another student.

I don’t want to be involved in spreading gossip.

Your friend wants you to help make another student hand over lunch money each day.

I can’t help you take someone else’s belongings.

Your friend wants you to help embarrass another student by saying things about his accent.

I don’t think it is fair to tease someone about that.

Your friend asks you to refuse to pass the ball to another student in a game of basketball.

We are a team what is the point?

Your friend tells you not to speak to one of the students who was in your friendship group.

I don’t see the need to make her feel bad.

Your friend asks you to help take and hide another student’s file.

I don’t want to be involved in this.

Important things to remember when saying ‘no’

Politely refuse, don't yell. A simple, firm 'No, I’m not interested', or 'No, I don’t want to be involved' will usually be good enough.

Don't over explain your response. If your peers are doing something you really don’t want to do, just say 'I don’t want to' and leave it at that. If it is really bothering you, talk to your parents about it later.

Don't put yourself at risk. If the situation is way out of control try to quietly and discreetly walk away to get help.

Remember, you are the person who has to live with your choices and the consequences of your actions. Think carefully what is right for you.

If someone keeps pressuring you to do things that you really are uncomfortable with and doesn’t seem to care how it makes you feel, you may need to think about whether this person is really a friend.